


Saying Goodbye

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-16
Updated: 2006-03-16
Packaged: 2019-02-02 16:10:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12729870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Daniel's thinking of leaving.  Can Jack change his mind? (This does have a happy ending)





	Saying Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

It's times like these I wish I'd been born with your strength. I keep telling myself that I'm doing this for us, for our benefit. Deep down I know it's all because of me. I'm scared. In fact, I'm absolutely terrified right now. What would you think if you could see me standing here outside your bedroom door...our bedroom door. Two small suitcases are resting against the wall and I've got a plane ticket in my hand for a destination half way around the world. Would you call me a coward? Would you get angry and lock me up so you'd never lose sight of me? 

The storm outside is raging. Lightening splits the sky and throws an unnatural light through the house. Our house. His house now. I want to cry and can't. I'll let the rain be my tears for now. I have to stay strong or I'll never actually go through with this. 

God, Jack, I don't know what I'm doing. I could turn and walk away from you right now and you'd never know until it was too late. It would probably be easier if I did. But I can't do that to you, Jack. You've got this hold over me. I guess that's what scares me the most, losing myself. I'm the proverbial moth to your flame. The whole universe is working against us and still I find myself running back to you the minute something happens. As long as I have you in my corner I know I'm alright. I can survive. 

I hate to wake you up to say goodbye. I know you're going to be angry with me. That's pretty much an understatement. You'll rant and rave and curse at me. I'll stand there and take it. I can give you that much at least. I deserve it. I'm walking out on the best thing in my life right now. Please don't hate me for it, Jack. It's just something I have to do. I need to reevaluate all of this before I totally lose myself in you. It's always been me. It's strange to suddenly realize in the dead of night that I have to think about someone other than myself now. It's selfish...I'm selfish. 

I wish you wouldn't reach for me in your sleep like you are at this moment. It's only making it harder for me to leave you behind. An empty bed, an empty house, an empty heart. That's what I'd be leaving you with. I don't want to do this! I really don't, Jack. Believe me. It's just...I have to. I just hope you understand that when you realize I'm gone. As much as I want to wake you, I can't bring myself to do it. I was going to originally, but it's just too hard. I'll let you have your anger. As long as you're angry I know you won't come after me. Resent me, hate me, but you'll let me do this the way I need to. 

Okay, Jack. I'm going now. The plane won't wait for anyone, not even me. See? I've got my bags in my hand now. Tickets are in my jacket pocket, safe and sound. I'm moving past your bedroom, heading for the front door... 

I can't seem to stop the shaking in my legs. I can't stand so I'll just lean against the wall for a moment. Slow steady breaths now, in and out. I can do this. I can because I have to. If this wasn't so damn serious you'd probably be laughing at me. I can't seem to make it two steps without having to stop for air. The farther I get away from you the harder it is to remember exactly why I'm doing it. 

A loud crack of thunder shakes the house. Oh shit! Was that the bed creaking? Damn it! I hear you moving around in there, Jack! You weren't suppose to wake up! It wasn't a part of the plan! I've got nowhere to hide! Damn noisy storm! 

I know I look like a deer in headlights. You're regarding me with this confused expression on your face. You look so tired. Oh please, don't do that, Jack! How can I think when you're leaning against the wall and running a hand through your hair? Couldn't you have at least put a shirt on? Those sweat pants are barely staying on your hips. 

"Where ya goin', Danny?"

* * *

Okay, I'm gonna have to be real careful here. Danny's spooked over something big time. He's gonna give himself one hell of a migraine if he keeps darting his eyes around like that. He thinks I'm gonna blow a gasket. I probably would have, until I saw him standing there like that. Jacket on and bags packed. Whatever it is that's got him like this is way too serious. I'm sure he'd probably pass out right about now if I so much as took a step towards him. 

I knew something was up the minute I realized he wasn't in bed with me. The kid has to have sucked down at least five cups of coffee before he's even remotely functional in the morning. So to find him gone from our bed at 3 a.m. definitely constitutes as non- Daniel behavior. 

The rain is pelting against the windows in the living room. Fine time to decide to make a run for it, Daniel. Can't you take this a sign that you weren't meant to leave? Any other night you could have slipped out quietly enough and gotten away with it. But not tonight. I get a quick glimpse of him as the lightening flashes again. 

"I-I'm leaving, Jack." 

Mmm..you don't sound so sure there, Danny-boy. Sounds like there's some negotiating room still in there to me. You're so keyed up right now I'm surprised all that shaking hasn't knocked the glasses off your face. I'm hoping this isn't something I did, Danny. I may be a real asshole at times but I've never wanted to make you act like this. We'll play it your way for the time being. 

"O-okay. And you were going to tell me *after* you put the bags in the car?" 

Low blow, Danny, sorry `bout that. I don't want to stand here all night fiddle-fuckin' around. Gonna get to the bottom of this as quickly as possible. I'm losing valuable cuddle time with you. 

"I..I..uh..wasn't going to tell you, Jack." 

Love it when your voice goes soft at the end of your sentences. It's just so sweet and innocent. I'll just nod my head and cross my arms. Definitely something I must've done. Yahsureyoubetcha. 

"Wanna tell me why you're leaving, Daniel? I don't think I quite understand all this." 

He's so damn nervous. All I want to do is go over there and comfort him, make him forget whatever it is that's going on in that overactive imagination of his. But this is where I have to be. Far enough away that he doesn't totally sink inside himself and I lose whatever card it is I'm holding over him. He hasn't left yet. That's indication enough that he's not confident he wants to do this. 

"I'm not so sure I know why." He looks so damn lost right now. C'mon, Danny. Talk to me. I'm right here and ready to listen. "I feel like..like I'm..." Hand motions. Not good. Daniel losing the ability to speak is only good when it happens in bed. 

"Like what? I can't fix what's wrong if you can't tell me what the problem is." It's right there, Spacemonkey. Spit it out and tell me. 

Jesus, don't start crying on me. I can barely see your eyes but your jaw is clenched so hard it's shaking. I've seen it enough times to know what that leads to. Why won't you tell me, Daniel? Is it that bad? 

"God, Jack. I'm so mixed up. I need to get out of here. I need to get away for awhile until I can straighten things out in my head. Do you understand that? Can you?" 

Okay, enough is enough. I'm not letting him out that door til I have a better answer than that. Who am I kidding? I'm not letting him go period. I'm across the room in seconds, locking him tightly to my chest. He's struggling to get away from me. Usually a wriggling archeologist is quite a turn on, but not this time. He's fighting like his life depends on it. I'm fighting too, cuz I know *damn* sure my whole existence is balancing on this moment. I refuse to let him leave me. Call it possessive, call it overprotective, whatever. Daniel is mine, just like I've always been his. 

"Jack, please. Let me go." 

"No way in hell, Danny. After everything we've been through how can you just suddenly pack your bags and up and walk out on me in the middle of the night? Explain it to me. Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand it." 

He's trying hard not to melt into me. One minute his hands are pushing at me, the next their soothing small circles on my back and shoulders. He's confused, I'm confused. Hard enough being in love. Even harder when it's with another man and you're in the Air Force. 

He's sobbing now. Trying to gulp in air to his lungs but it only makes him hiccup. Damn it, Jackson! Damn it, damn it, damn it! You're shaking like a tree in a hurricane! What is wrong with you!? 

"Jack. God, Jack. I can't. I'm too scared to do this anymore." 

Oh Christ, I think my heart just stopped. Took me forever to get it working after Charlie died. "What is it, baby? You have to tell me. Was it something I did?"

* * *

He's trying so hard to comfort me. It feels nice, so very nice. I don't think I can do it now. It was suppose to be easy. Lie to him, lie to myself and just walk out that door like I didn't really care at all. That's where the plan went wrong. I do care. So very much. 

"You didn't do anything, Jack. It's not you, it's me..." 

"Need a better line than that, Daniel. I'm not letting go until you tell me what the hell is going on with you. So come clean." 

Why does he have to make this so hard on me? I can't function at all. My mouth is dry. My legs are ready to collapse out from under me. I can't think or even breathe anymore. I need to get to the couch. Jack won't budge. He's really going to make me do this standing right here. There goes the last of my resolve, whatever little bit I had to begin with. His lips are pressing soft kisses to my hair, along my jaw. Yes, Jack, please. Make me stay. Make me face this. I don't want... 

"I don't want to lose you, Jack. Don't want to lose you." There. I said it. It's out there in the open now and there's nothing I can do about it. He's not saying anything, just holding me and kissing me. 

"You won't lose me, Daniel. Not if I can help it. Shit, is that was all this is about? Why didn't you tell me before now? We could have fixed all this a long time ago." 

He's pulling back to look at me now, his hands still possessively holding onto my shoulders. Constant contact. He knows I need it, need some kind of anchor or I'll fly all to pieces in front of him. I've done it often enough. 

"I've lost everything, Jack. Shau're, my career before the SG project, my parents. I don't want to lose you too. You can't promise me that you'll always be here. Anything could happen. I just...I'm scared that if I do let myself love you all the way the same thing will happen again. And if I lost you, Jack...I just don't know what I'd do." 

Okay, that feels a bit better. If only the tears would stop flowing I think I'd be okay. That weight that's been sitting on my shoulders is a lot lighter. Jack's pulling me closer, not that it really matters. I'm practically under his skin as it is. 

"I can't promise you that, Danny. The only thing I can promise you is that I will try my damndest to always be here for you. I will fight tooth and nail to stay with you." 

Damn it with the tears already! My head is pounding, my stomach is doing flip-flops from hell. But I suddenly feel safe again. He's convinced me. 

"Come back to bed, Danny. No more saying goodbye. Get it through your thick skull that there's no way in hell that I'm gonna let you go. You are so stuck with me." 

Suddenly we're back in the bedroom. Guess I zoned out for a few minutes after that nice confession from Jack. I'm so tired now. I could easily fall right down on this mattress and drift off to sleep in a matter of seconds. Jack's got different plans. He's peeled off my jacket, tossed it unceremoniously across the chair in the corner. He's undoing the buttons on my shirt, taking a moment to trace every square inch of skin that appears before continuing on to the next one. He's so set on the task at hand. He's trying to reassure me through touch that he's here, that it's okay. I'm still trembling, but this kind I can deal with. He has this way of making my entire being catch fire and burn for more. It ravishes every inch of me until I can't speak or move, almost catatonic. 

The moonlight through the window picks up the grey in his hair, more silver in my eyes than actual grey. He always tells me I did that to him, made him age before his time. I wonder about that. His hands are running up over my chest now, light caresses and a form of claiming. He has me totally. I'm not holding back anymore from him. I can't. 

I feel like I'm standing outside myself. This whole scenario is just highly erotic. He's taking his time with me, knows exactly what I need. My Jack, so patient when he needs to be. He's watching me watching him now, a knowing smile on his face. He knows what he's doing to me. 

We're moving onto the bed. His lips pressed against my forehead, whispering my name over and over as his fingers trace patterns across my stomach. This is what I would have missed the most. These moments where it isn't just about the sex, it's about showing love. He's the only person I've ever met who was able to soothe me in all the right ways. He's straightforward and harsh at times, blunt and to the point. Underneath it all, he's just making sure I get the big picture. That being that he loves me. I know that now, Jack. Believe me, I do.

* * *

Flushed Daniel. Red from head to toe. Ni-ice. Wonder if I could take him in when he's like this and get someone to match that shade of red. I think it would look good on the walls here in this bedroom. He's trying to take all of this in. That intense look is on his face, like when he's studying some artifact or translating hieroglyphs off of a ruin. My Daniel. All mine. 

Time's wasting, Danny. Let's get these clothes off now. Button and zipper first. There we go. Mmm..a little bit of shifting around, eh? We getting a tad bit overexcited? Gonna love you til you don't have any more doubts in your head, baby. No regrets. 

Off with the boxers. This is better. Full expanse of very beautiful and lickable skin. Danny's looking at me through hooded eyes. That's my look. I put it there. It's only for me. I lean down and kiss him soundly, sucking his tongue into my mouth. His fingers automatically go into my hair, clutching at me like I'm about to disappear on him. God, he tastes good. A touch of espresso still there from after dinner and then just that good ol' taste of Daniel Jackson in there too. Just gonna stay here for a few more minutes, drink him all in. My hands are keeping themselves busy, skimming over soft flesh, touching those well-known pleasure areas that send my Daniel spiraling into orbit. 

He's getting impatient with me. His hands pulling at the waistband of my sweats, insisting that I get them off post-haste. No problem. We'll get rid of them right now. Much better. Nothing like skin to skin contact. He's trying to rush me. That's unusual. I'm not gonna fight with him tonight though. He needs me now. Needs me to show him that he belongs here, that he will always belong here. With me. 

Muscle against muscle, straining and gliding. God, Danny- boy, what you do to this old man. He's grinding up into me like there's no tomorrow, mouth slightly parted and that beautiful pink tongue sweeping out to wet his lips. I can feel the sweat dripping down my back as I rock into him, pressing him back hard into the bed. Passionate and strong. His eyes are fixed on mine, an array of conflicting emotions as he moans out his pleasure. He knows I like it when he's vocal in bed. Got him speaking in tongues a few times now too. That's always interesting. 

"God, Jack, please. Need you. Yessss." 

I'm right there with ya, Danny. Oh yeah, we're on the home stretch now. Just shut that gorgeous mind of yours down and let me take care of the rest. Let me show you how much I love you right now. Let me make you see. "Okay?" 

"Mmmmmm...yeah. Harder, Jack. Please..so close now." 

Your wish is my command. Pick up the pace just a little bit and....Jee-zus! Warn a guy before you try to bite off his shoulder! And here we go, just a little...bit...more. And....lift off.

* * *

"Jack." 

His hands are still moving over my back as I nestle into his shoulder. There's a nice set of teeth marks there. Guess I went a little overboard. He hasn't stopped touching me at all. It's nice. Something I've grown accustomed too after our lovemaking. He's still not answered me yet. "Jack." 

"Hmm?" 

I can't help but smile against his skin. Nothing like a cuddly Jack O'Neil after sex. "I'm sorry about earlier. It's just that...everything I've ever loved I've lost. And I just don't know what would happen if I lost you. So I figured if I ran away from it all, you'd at least be safe." 

I felt Jack kiss the top of my head. "But I wouldn't be happy and neither would you. I'd rather take my chances with you here. Just promise me you won't do that again. Just seeing you standing at that door with the bags in your hand was too much for me." 

"I promise." I sigh and snuggle in closer to Jack. This is so right. Him and me together in this bed, in this house. I was stupid to think I could run out on him. I realize that now. Saying goodbye to him would have been saying goodbye to a part of me as well. A part I'm growing rather fond of lately. 

The storm has stopped outside. Kind of metaphorical I guess. A quiet mind and a quiet night go hand in hand. I'll sleep a lot better now. I'm not scared of this feeling anymore. I'll adjust to it, to having him in my life. Hell, we've been through worse things together. His arms are relaxing a bit now. He's falling asleep. Don't worry, Jack. I'll be here when you wake up. I'll be right here.


End file.
